Devolution

I think I'm regressing; I show signs of being someone younger than me. I stay up way to late on many school nights, I don't like school, I like getting drunk once or twice a fortnight and I'm starting to like music I never did. Like, The Velveteen, a band from my hometown that my cousins always liked. We were friends (my cousins and I) but there were certain things that made a distance between us... like I had never been to concert, mostly because I never liked the kind of alternative, rock-ish music that was accessible to us, and so we didn't share a taste in music, and, I dunno, we didn't share taste in much about popular culture I guess. I'm also enjoying tv shows more that I once would have found offensive, like Friends and How I Met Your Mother.

My favorite things to do are stumbleupon, youtube, facebook, wikipedia, google and watch tv online with my friends. I like going through webpages of recipes and funny videos and absorbing useless factoids. I don't even really pay much attention to the news. I also like board-games and knitting. This is at least partly because I live on a frozen island of darkness-which discourages much activity. But still. I just feel like nothing I do is very valuable.

I would like to say that my school experience is a product of my high school experience; which consisted of cramming daily and not getting much satisfaction or remembering anything very important. Any random European man, woman or child off the street can probably tell you more about American history, plus their country's history, plus the current political situation in half the world's countries than I can. I know, however, that I should just create the school experience I want. At least that's what my mom would say. However, I think it's entirely possible that I just don't really like school. School is stressful. It's full of deadlines, lots of work and endless readings. And it's not like everything you read you can take a passing interest in: you have to really study everything because it's all new information that may seem strange and unintuitive. In short, it's exhausting.

All my life I've always been told that I "don't need to worry about my major too much." My mom is finishing her undergrad now and I get the sense that my dad didn't really take school seriously until he went to law school. It was always understood that I would go to college and that mom and dad would pay for it. But: "don't worry about what you study, you have your whole life to figure out what you're going to do" is the motto that has more-or-less been drilled into me. The truth though, is that, while I enjoy what I study while I'm in class, my enjoyment is a short-lived, jeopardy-trivia kind of interest. I wish I did worry more about what I do. I would like to do something I take pride in, have a routine I like, have friends, have fun, fall in love, travel, be involved in my community... I know that's all for the future, but right now I feel my time would be better spent honing some interesting skill in a trade school, or living in some exotic place helping people or working. But I'm afraid that I'm going to get too old and feel like I need to hurry up and work so I can marry and have kids while I'm young. There is so much I want to do while I'm still free from all that!

But I'm in school. And I know I should be grateful for this incredible, relatively rare privilege.

Maybe my problem is that I'm getting used to having friends. Everyone else I know who has struggled in school has either suffered from a lack of intelligence or discipline- the latter often the result of just hangin' out. I have never really 'just hung out.' I've never really had people, besides my family, really love to hang out with me. And, incredibly, I love to be with these same people. I feel so, so phenomenally lucky.

So... I guess it's best to have friends and be immature right at home. And if you can't do that because you're too mature, go to boarding school to get away from home and hope you'll make friends there. And if you don't make friends there, good luck to adjusting to your life if you ever do make friends. Deep-down I am happy to be here because even though I don't like school, if I weren't here I would never have met my wonderful friends.

Saltines, peanut butter and raisins

I have a mild bout of the flu. The normal, seasonal, non-life-threatening variety. It's kind of thrown a monkey-wrench into my life though because I'm too busy to be operating below my optimal level. Which is why I hate school right now.

My friends and I mostly feel disenchanted about university. We all slaved away in high-school and frankly I think we're all still burnt out. We grew up in a culture of high achievement where fighting for credit like appellate lawyers is the norm. We're still recovering and returning to normalcy I think.

So it's hard to motivate myself to put academics above my health at the moment. All I feel like doing is eating saltines with peanut butter and raisins (don't judge), drinking tea and falling asleep. The effort required to be at the clinic by 8:30 nearly killed me, then I waited for three hours to be seen. That's a lot to ask of a sick person if you ask me, and I feel entitled to recuperate as any animal would.

But I can't deny that a little pit in my stomach is compelling me to begrudgingly turn to my work. It's going to be a long night...

Seriously Single

I've never had a boyfriend and don't really plan on having one soon.

I've never had such good friends before. I've told my friends this but I don't want to make them uncomfortable by beating them over the head with it. But it's true. There are some people I stay in touch with irregularly from home and from boarding school, but the truth is I don't think I saw more than one person on purpose last summer when I was home.

This is partially because I did go to boarding school: I decided to go and my home-town acquaintances didn't really understand why, so we lost touch. Not a super big deal anyway because I can count on both hands how many times I ever had someone come over to hang out during elementary and middle school.

I'm pretty sure that no matter who you ask, however, they'd say I am a socially competent, normally functioning person. I just have never really associated myself on an intimate level with many people. I DO connect with people on a surface level really well though, and my facebook friend-count and commute to school attest to this.

But now I feel phenomenally/wonderfully/jubilantly lucky to count myself as part of a close group of people. I am so very, very happy. Which brings me to the boyfriend issue. Because I don't want to change my friend-dynamic and because having a boyfriend would, I don't want one. This is not to say that I would have the discipline (or foolishness) to turn away Mr. Right. I'm just not interested in Mr. Right-Now.

Burberry

I am seated on my futon in the ambience of a cloudy dusk, relaxed. In order to distract myself from impending obligations I am going to write about a thing that annoys me: conspicuous consumption.

I use Burberry as a metaphor for the aforementioned sin-though some elaboration is in order to correctly articulate my feelings.

I have friends who wear burberry. The owning and wearing of expensive clothing is not something to which I am opposed. But, in my observation, many of the naked bodies clothed in dollars are ignorant about life. It is he who thinks a burberry scarf is something that people could have if they chose to spend their money on it, or they worked hard enough for it, that I loathe. He who owns an expensive article for it's quality, sentimental value or practicality, and the same is not marked by a brand to signify it's monetary value, he do I applaud.

Possession of money is largely circumstantial and is certainly not an indication of character. Nonetheless, money is viewed as a mark of prestige -or- at the very least, can have the effect of creating class distinction. Class distinction makes me uncomfortable. Truly. So, it can be said that a burberry scarf, with it's unmistakable pattern, can have the effect of making at least some people in this world uncomfortable. It is ignorance of this fact that makes me, at least initially, prejudiced against wearers of burberry.

This greatly overlaps with another thing I dislike; fashion. I classify degrees of fashion-awareness into three categories: 1) Entirely ignorant of fashion, whether or not by choice, 2) Cognizant of fashion in the sense that what is appealing changes over decades and centuries, and 3) Aware of and acting upon trends that are associated with prestige. Unless you're retarded I'm annoyed by #3. Allow me to illustrate. #1 is not a desirable state. The socially inept and hermits fall into this category. Not blind people, however... another entry, perhaps. #2 is the ideal class. You can have fun getting dressed if you're a #2 or you may be nearly indifferent about clothing. In any case you do not overly value the clothes you wear. You are a functioning member of your society however, for you notice things like; skirts that show ankles are acceptable, skirts that show thong are gross. You are, in short, the moderate, middle-ground. #3 is the class of people who care about clothing too much. If all these people became blind overnight I would bet that many would become remarkably more secure and consequently more amicable.

I shall risk being verbose and say one more thing. I do look past burberry for some people, specifically: those who prove themselves to be effusively caring and for whom money spent on exploded-check patterns is inconsequential. Cashmere-laden shoulders are fine if just beneath you find a loving heart.

The sun has set into navy night.

Beginning Anew

I've obviously not done anything with this blog for just shy of a year and while I don't feel particularly bad about that I am occasionally prone to a slight feeling of uneasiness about it. I think I'm not inclined for blog-writing; but I enjoy reading the blogs of the people I know because I feel closer to them and because they tend to wield language well, which I admire.

So: in an effort to genuinely attempt giving something close to a mediocre level of attention to my blog, I am going to try writing here again. Partially because I enjoy writing and feel that, given the chance, I could issue my own humble contribution to the literary works of cyber-space, and partially because I think I might find satisfaction in collecting and sorting my thoughts through this outlet. I am still a bit undecided about this medium... I feel self-conscious here, and why publish my thoughts to the world anyway? They are mine, after all... Nonetheless, I'm beginning anew.